His Birthday....

My son is officially 4. It happened at 1:33 a.m. yesterday. He turned 4 and there was nothing I could do to stop it. *sigh* I mean, sure, I am proud of him and happy he is maturing and healthy, but a part of me just feels like this is a countdown to his independence. Like there is a HUGE clock out there somewhere that says 13 years and 364 days from today my son will be 18 and able to make his own decisions and not NEED me! :( I pray he will still want me in his life, but need is another matter. This parent thing is so conflicting. I want to raise a child who succeeds and is secure in himself. I want him to be independent and smart and do great things, but I also want him to need me in his life. I want to know that we will ALWAYS have a relationship. When I think it over, 13 years and 364 days is not so far away. I feel as tho it was JUST yesterday that I held that tiny bundle in my arms and peered at my son'd face for the first time. And, on Halloween night, when I watched him sleeping in his bed, he still looked so little. Sometimes he does...look little, kwim?? And, then other times he does, says, or looks so big! I almost forget that he is still a little guy.

So, for now, he NEEDS me...and I like that. I love that he wants me to hug him and pick him up and lay down and read with him before bed. I want to bottle all those things so when he doesn't want me like that anymore, I can uncork the bottle and remember it all-the smell, the way he looked, the feel of it, just as it once was. But, I guess, for now, I will cherish every moment and pray that time does not slip away so quickly!